Thanks to spot and the rpm man page, I wrote a little tool to remove rpm packages while following dependencies like apt-get does. I was going to post it here but I just turned off marklar (that's its new name, btw...) because it's loud, as servers tend to be. I'll post it next time I turn the machine on, if anybody's interested.
Anyway, 1.2 gig of crap is now gone and only 3 ports are open now, instead of 15. It hardly resembles a Mandrake system at all now so I can almost tolerate it. Rebuilt a lot of stuff from source, too.
Hopefully I can get it installed in the next few days here.